Monday, April 28, 2008

I just need a moment.

I've complained & whined to the people I can one too many times this week. I'm sure they've tired of hearing my voice a long time ago. I'm even tired of hearing myself. I don't even want to hear myself talk in my head these days. And guess what? Yep, life isn't always cheery & pleasant & wonderful & sweet & easy. Sometimes, it's rough & tiring & overwhelming & depressing & never-ending. And what angers me even more is that my trials seem to coincide with the beauty & newness of spring, which is a blessing & a curse. It's a blessing because whenever I take the time to be outside it seems to wash away whatever bad mood I've developed that day, the curse part is that I don't want to go back inside to face my real job!

I know throughout my 31 years of life I have been overly blessed, beyond measure, with healthy, beautiful children & 5 of them in fact. But there are days I let it get the best of me & I cry & wonder why? Why did I ever think it was okay to have another baby? Why didn't I just run with the life I already had? I could sleep in whenever I wanted, all the kids knew how to go to bed on time & stay asleep the entire night. All the kids knew how to make their own cereal in the morning, dress themselves & even bathe themselves! They knew how to help with chores whenever Mom needed it most & although they sass & talk back & argue with each other occasionally, they were just as much fun as they were frustration. Why did I have to take all of that away? And then I start to get upset because I think about how much easier it would have been with just one baby? And everytime Mark sees me get that look in my eyes, he will turn to me & ask, "But which one would you have chosen to stay & which one would you have chosen to come here?" and then I feel like scum of the earth for even thinking about how difficult it is with one baby. And I think of those people who can't have children & those who were given special children with needs even greater than my own two little ones & I feel horrible for not being thankful for mine & I feel mad for being given what I didn't ask for, but Mark is right - I could never choose between them, okay, at certain times I could, like when Grant slept for 9 hours the other night & Daphne woke up 4 times to eat in 8 hours, but generally, I could never choose. :)

I know I'm not depressed because I can still find reason to smile. I can still find reasons to laugh & want to do fun things. I have only lost my motivation, misplaced my cheerful mood & optimistic outlook. I have only for the time being lost my desire to do well around the house. I have only for a moment forgotten how to push through the hard times to see the sunshine on the other side.

The worst part of all this....I don't think anyone can help me. I can only help myself. I don't think anyone can come in & do my laundry or my dishes, take care of the babies for a couple of hours or cook dinner for me & make it any better. The only thing that does is prolong what I have to face on my own when they are gone. This is something I have to tackle on my own but it's proving ever so hard to face the task.

So, I think of all the things I have survived before. Losing my job at 6 months of pregnancy & having to move in with my parents. Seeing my husband join the military because after getting a college degree the job market could not support our new life as a young married, in debt couple with a new baby. Seeing my husband deployed for 6 months while I was pregnant with our second child, our first son. Seeing my husband go off to war & for weeks, up to a month not hearing his voice & 24/7 watching the news, praying I wouldn't see 3rd ID mentioned in anything negative, my heart stopping at every phone call or knock on the door. Giving birth to our third child 5 days after my husband left to war & raising 3 young children, ages 3, 15 months & newborn, all on my own for almost 9 months. Moving to Germany so very far away from family a mere 15 months after we had just moved from one place to another. Saying goodbye to my husband again to send him off to war for 12 months which turned into 15 months while I too was in a foreign country, feeling terribly alone. My pregnancy with the twins. I survived that too & it was gosh darn hard!! SO SEE MARIA! YOU CAN CONQUER ANYTHING! LOOK AT ALL YOU HAVE SURVIVED & OVERCOME ONLY TO BECOME A BETTER PERSON! REMEMBER THE PEOPLE WHO HELPED YOU THROUGH ALL THIS, YOUR DEAREST FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY! (I'm yelling at myself, being my own cheerleader, right?)

It's just another notch in my belt to be a mother of twins, to be a mother of five, to be a military wife, to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but why does it feel like I'm making those notches in my belt with a really, really, really dull hole punch?


Chandi said...

That's right! Get it out! It helps to vent and put it into words sometimes so you can once again move forward. We have all experienced the same things (maybe not the husband going to war thing) but the losing the desire to do your daily tasks and so on. It can get tedious and boring and hard and overwhelming. Letting it out sure helps. You have a great attitude about it even when you're feeling a little low. Keep up the good work Maria!

Lin said...

hi, i'm caryn's friend who is chandi's mother. i can hear your struggles. it sounds like you are running on empty...five children-wow, i'm impressed. you are doing the most important work there is, teaching nurturing and loving your children so they can live their lives on earth and have families and bring about the whole plan of life called the gospel. we all have struggles, at different stages-i'm retired and have 4 grown sons, two are struggling without any anchors. enjoy your little ones who will become teenagers all too soon and then adults on their own and you can smile as they struggle raising their kids and getting up at 2 am. you are a strong person i can tell, make you be blessed. find a way to make time for you and fill your well. lin

mom/caryn said...

You know what? You can't quit nurturing your little ones without some unhappy consequences... but...
you CAN leave beds unmade, vacuum less, leave the dishes in the dish-washer longer, let the kids wear their clothes a second day unless they've obliterated them... You don't need to do it all. Maybe you aren't losing motivation as much as you're re-arranging your priorities.

Take a longer bath instead of cleaning the shower...

If something doesn't have ETERNAL importance, bag it, get back to it, leave it for another time. Don't beat yourself up for making choices about what to attend to... and what not to attend to...

You're a fabulous and impressive mom! Well, shoot! You're a fabulous and impressive woman. Keep doing what you enjoy the most in the day. And also, keep up the venting whenever you feel like it. Keeps the lid from blowing off the pressure cooker. And keep writing about the good times. Helps you see more of them.

You have every right to every feeling that you've expressed. Most of us have felt most of them.

You've survived a lot. No doubt about that. Stand tall, sweetie. If they gave out purple hearts and medals of honor to moms... your favorite jacket would be adorned with them.