Something to Show For it.

What do we have to show for all of our hard work?  What do we have to show for all the children that we birthed, well, the children!  But, what do we have to show for all the times we've attempted to teach them something we figured they would never understand or remember?  Where are our awards for all the dinners cooked & not burned? For all the laundry stains we've miraculously gotten out of that favorite piece of clothing?  Where are the ribbons for First Place in Speedy Diaper Changing? Or the plaque for Most Dirty Diapers Changed in a Single Day?  Where are the ribbons for making it through another day?  Well, the new day is our award I suppose, but once again, my husband is about to embark on a new journey for him, for our entire family.  He will report to Officer Candidate School on Sunday, the 30th.  I could not be prouder of him.  He has received numerous plaques, coins, ribbons, certificates, trophies and titles these past 9 years in the Army.  I often become envious of all of his achievements & the fact that you can see them & touch them helping you to remember where you've come from & where you're headed.  I feel so inadequate next to him & as he proceeds through Officer School, I know he will get high marks. I know he will do very well & come out on top. He'll undoubtedly come back even more fit than he was before, which was pretty darn fit & me, I'll just be the same old unattractive size I've been since having the twins.  With him being gone for 12 weeks (the trial run) at first, it will be my first challenge with 5 kids to care for & not just 3.  And often when I see the twins wreaking havoc, they feel like 6 kids.  I have been challenging my own demons, banging & knocking them down each & every time I can, only to have another show me it's not quite done with me yet & just as I get a handle on that, will I be able to handle my own family?  It's nearly mind boggling doing all we do with Mark here, I cannot imagine how we will survive with him gone.  I know we will, but at what quality of living & what will it do to all my mental progress?  He asked me last night if I was scared.  I couldn't help but say, "Yes, wouldn't you be?" He had to agree I had the bigger burden to bear.  Well, at least we can agree on that & having someone sympathize with you can help a great deal.  I need another mom with 5 kids, a set of twins, a husband gone (12 weeks at first, a month break at home, then away again for 6 months!!), a 5 bedroom home to maintain, the entire family household's finances to keep up, doctor's appts. to go to to keep you from running away & a desire to be more, to be able to do more or be happy with where you are at.  Where are those moms?  

I had not looked at the header of this blog for quite a while & when I did, it instantly brought tears to my eyes.  I don't even know that Maria anymore. I don't remember what she was like, what she loved to do, how she made it through the day with a smile on her face.  I look in the mirror now & it's not the same woman.  This woman has sadness in her eyes, anger on her lips and regret in her heart.  This woman wears two sizes bigger than the girl in those pictures because she gave birth to twins, very healthy, wonderful, adorable twins who needed more room in her stomach than she could handle & now all that extra skin is lifeless and permanent.  And she doesn't have the time, energy or the faith to even try to do something about it, fearing all the hard work would only prove to do nothing, but make the lifeless skin more noticeable against a smaller figure.  The one & only thing that I know to be the same is the love she has for the main man in her life.  In fact, that love is even stronger because of what they've endured, but she feels unworthy to ask for this kind of love, yet she holds on with all her might praying he won't break when things get even tougher because she's sure that they will, they always do.  

I just wish I could take all my gratitude for my 5 healthy, beautiful, wonderful children; my gratefulness for a 5 bedroom home with so many nice things and closets full of necessities; my love for good things and good people & just magnify it so big that I can't deny that it's there, that it will overtake all the bad & cover it with good.  But, that's not reality, hahahaha, that's just stupidity.  I have to grapple and inch and fight my way through it all to get to the top where all that stuff lies.  

I'm tired.  But, there's just a little bit left in me to keep going, for today.

anything to give me that extra nudge...

It's been a great while since I did any crafting or card making or scrapbooking, but I did eek out some time right before we moved to make a few cards for a lady that won some in a service auction back during Christmastime.  I was way overdue on getting them to her, so I figured to give myself a little inspiration to get back in the crafting spirit, I would share the cards I did make for her.  

The Simple Things

When life seems so incredibly rough, stormy waters every day, impossible decisions to make, waiting for things to get brighter, easier, better.... the simple things mean so much.  Like ripe summer fruit & a new favorite container to hold them in.  I got the container at Ikea during our trip to Cincinnati & knew it was perfect for these fruity treats.

"Who, me? You shouldn't have."

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Vote for Maria's Design

Kroger is hosting the Design a Reusable Shopping Bag Contest. Please view one of my favorite designs and vote for it before May 15. You also can create your own design and enter the contest. Show your support and vote for this design.

Sincerely,
Maria

To view this design and vote, visit
http://www.designareusablebag.com/vote-for-designs/bag.aspx?BagId=23620&banner=kroger

Eventually, I will live in Europe for an extended period of time & hope that this happens to me one day while traveling by train, which in & of itself is so totally cool. 

The Irony

My 3 oldest children & I spent a bit of our afternoon yesterday talking about the meaning of Easter.  I was very proud that they knew why we celebrated Easter & the Easter Bunny was merely an extra element to get them treats & candy, hahahaha.  But, it got me thinking about how I celebrate Easter.  I check off the to do items on my list: Get Candy - Get Baskets - Get Treats - Plan out Easter Bunny Arrival - etc.  My mother-in-law & I briefly spoke of it & how many other religions have week long activites & ways to remember Christ & rejoice for his sacrifice for us.  Our religion, however, doesn't do this.  I think they leave it up to us.  So, what was I to do? How could I bring myself closer to the idea & reason for our Easter celebrations?  

This morning I was sent my daily e-mail from Meridian Magazine, a site I highly recommend, it has great LDS contributors that write articles on many different topics both religious & not.  This particle article was titled, The Irony of Gesthmane, the Cross & the Garden Tomb.  I can be an emotional person but often when I read of the Savior's journey into the city & then into crucifixion, I feel great sorrow, but do not shed tears.  I do not shed tears because I know he knew his role & his strength in overcoming brought to mind a child running in a race & you stand on the sidelines saying, "Go! You can do it! I believe in You!"  He knew he had the Father with Him & that He was fulfilling the prophecies spoken of for many years.  He chose this role.  Where I do shed tears is when he appears to Mary & she not realizing at first who He is.  The moment He speaks her name, "Mary,"  she knows.  This is where the tears flow freely.  

Here is the part of the article that really touched me:

It could have been any one of us.(referring to Mary being at the tomb at that moment). He chose to reveal himself first to a single individual and in that moment taught the world that the Atonement is utterly personal. He made it universal to all, but he did so by making it intimate to each one of us, as he did to Mary. It is universal one soul at a time. To my mind, it is utterly inevitable that the greatest story ever told should finally culminate and convey to the world in the sound of this single word, a person's name.

How quickly fortunes can change for the worse, and how quickly, on the other hand, fortunes can change for the better. In Luke, we read that by the end of the first Sunday after the crucifixion, just the third day after the Savior's death, he had appeared to Mary Magdalene at the Garden Tomb, and then to other women of Galilee, and he had appeared to Cleopas and his companion on the road to Emmaus, and when these two returned to Jerusalem that evening to join the apostles, they were told that Christ had also appeared to Simon Peter. Three of these witnesses were identified by name, Mary, Cleopas, and Simon, and perhaps a dozen more were unnamed. And then Jesus suddenly stood in the midst of them, the apostles and others, and said “Peace be unto you.” Luke 24:36.

It may seem ridiculous but I struggle with a selfish feeling that our religion does not focus enough on women & I'm not talking about how we have Relief Society & Young Women's or how we are recognized in many ways by apostles & prophets & those around us.  I struggle with the fact that so much of what we learn was of men, written by men, experienced by men.  Thank goodness for sections of scriptures, like Ruth, to give me some hope.  But, it had been on my mind a lot lately, especially after returning to the temple after so long.  I didn't feel the message personal to me, as a woman.  Then to read the account of Mary at the tomb & how she was the first Jesus chose to present himself to & that he then visited other women of Galilee & then to the men.  I was overrun with emotion.  I put myself in that place & I could more easily do that because Mary was a woman.  And I tried to imagine her reaction, her feelings, her gratitude & joy & I felt washed in the Spirit.  

Why Mary? Why a woman? I thought about this for quite a while & my personal feelings are that we, as women, can feel love greater than any man. Only a woman can know another woman's sorrow at losing a child, just as Jesus' mother, Mary did.  Oh the sorrow she must have felt to see her Son so horribly treated, to know she would no longer have him near her to love and to protect. Oh the wonder Mary Magdalene must have felt at the tomb to see her Christ before her, not dead, but alive.  While Jesus prayed, seeming to bleed at every pore, the apostles slept.  A woman would see his anguish & want to run to Him to comfort Him, to help Him.  

How lucky I am to be a woman.