Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Something to Show For it.

What do we have to show for all of our hard work?  What do we have to show for all the children that we birthed, well, the children!  But, what do we have to show for all the times we've attempted to teach them something we figured they would never understand or remember?  Where are our awards for all the dinners cooked & not burned? For all the laundry stains we've miraculously gotten out of that favorite piece of clothing?  Where are the ribbons for First Place in Speedy Diaper Changing? Or the plaque for Most Dirty Diapers Changed in a Single Day?  Where are the ribbons for making it through another day?  Well, the new day is our award I suppose, but once again, my husband is about to embark on a new journey for him, for our entire family.  He will report to Officer Candidate School on Sunday, the 30th.  I could not be prouder of him.  He has received numerous plaques, coins, ribbons, certificates, trophies and titles these past 9 years in the Army.  I often become envious of all of his achievements & the fact that you can see them & touch them helping you to remember where you've come from & where you're headed.  I feel so inadequate next to him & as he proceeds through Officer School, I know he will get high marks. I know he will do very well & come out on top. He'll undoubtedly come back even more fit than he was before, which was pretty darn fit & me, I'll just be the same old unattractive size I've been since having the twins.  With him being gone for 12 weeks (the trial run) at first, it will be my first challenge with 5 kids to care for & not just 3.  And often when I see the twins wreaking havoc, they feel like 6 kids.  I have been challenging my own demons, banging & knocking them down each & every time I can, only to have another show me it's not quite done with me yet & just as I get a handle on that, will I be able to handle my own family?  It's nearly mind boggling doing all we do with Mark here, I cannot imagine how we will survive with him gone.  I know we will, but at what quality of living & what will it do to all my mental progress?  He asked me last night if I was scared.  I couldn't help but say, "Yes, wouldn't you be?" He had to agree I had the bigger burden to bear.  Well, at least we can agree on that & having someone sympathize with you can help a great deal.  I need another mom with 5 kids, a set of twins, a husband gone (12 weeks at first, a month break at home, then away again for 6 months!!), a 5 bedroom home to maintain, the entire family household's finances to keep up, doctor's appts. to go to to keep you from running away & a desire to be more, to be able to do more or be happy with where you are at.  Where are those moms?  

I had not looked at the header of this blog for quite a while & when I did, it instantly brought tears to my eyes.  I don't even know that Maria anymore. I don't remember what she was like, what she loved to do, how she made it through the day with a smile on her face.  I look in the mirror now & it's not the same woman.  This woman has sadness in her eyes, anger on her lips and regret in her heart.  This woman wears two sizes bigger than the girl in those pictures because she gave birth to twins, very healthy, wonderful, adorable twins who needed more room in her stomach than she could handle & now all that extra skin is lifeless and permanent.  And she doesn't have the time, energy or the faith to even try to do something about it, fearing all the hard work would only prove to do nothing, but make the lifeless skin more noticeable against a smaller figure.  The one & only thing that I know to be the same is the love she has for the main man in her life.  In fact, that love is even stronger because of what they've endured, but she feels unworthy to ask for this kind of love, yet she holds on with all her might praying he won't break when things get even tougher because she's sure that they will, they always do.  

I just wish I could take all my gratitude for my 5 healthy, beautiful, wonderful children; my gratefulness for a 5 bedroom home with so many nice things and closets full of necessities; my love for good things and good people & just magnify it so big that I can't deny that it's there, that it will overtake all the bad & cover it with good.  But, that's not reality, hahahaha, that's just stupidity.  I have to grapple and inch and fight my way through it all to get to the top where all that stuff lies.  

I'm tired.  But, there's just a little bit left in me to keep going, for today.